This is part of an ongoing series on mental health and addiction. Some people appreciate this material, some don't. Individual psychology affects how each of us approach organizational and political issues, so it is of general interest.
I'm going to cruise right through a number of points here without a lot of sugarcoating. Some of this may be more helpful to people living or working with dry drunks. An actual dry drunk is just likely to be angry about it, because their main food groups are anger and pity.
I'm going to be talking about a codependent dry drunk rather than an alcoholic dry drunk. The alcoholic dry drunk is an alcoholic who has stopped drinking and expects others to respect their new sense of moral authority. The alcoholic dry drunk still has all the glaring character defects and personality traits of an addict, but now they feel entitled to lecture others. The codependent dry drunk has many of the traits of the alcoholic, and may even become a drunk, but the crises in their lives usually revolve around other people's addictions.
The best way to understand the dry drunk is to think of them as the micromanager. They feel empowered and good because they are bringing order to chaos. Generally, they grew up in a chaotic house with unreliable parents, then went through the teen "know it all" period in a home where they really did know better than their parents. Much of the time they really were the smartest person in the room. Often they were put in the role of the parent and raised their younger siblings, or their parents put them in the role of the parent's caretaker. Their feelings of inferiority created by their parents' criticism, rejection, and abuse is compensated for by a "superiority complex." And while they probably are superior to their parents, they may fall flat in the real world. The dark side of their self image and self esteem depends on maintaining a chaotic environment so that they can be "better" than those around them.
The dry dunk must always be "nicer" and "better" and "care more" and "do more" and be more self sacrificing and generous than anyone else. Playing King Of The Hill is hard work, because whenever someone gets close they have to be shoved back down the hill.
The style of aggression is "covert" or hidden. Covert aggression would include sabotaging, passive aggressiveness, social bullying, and aggressively wasting other people's time. Think of the sickeningly sweet boss who asks for something to be revised a dozen times, brings the whole team to work on Sunday to berate them, then throws their work away the following Tuesday. But they'll remember your birthday as if that made up for something. People who were bullied are at higher risk of becoming bullies without recognizing their own behavior as bullying.
It's easy for someone to avoid this knowledge if they are surrounded by friends who tell them they really are the moral, good person in a conflict. If they can get that that sort of support, the "covert" aggression is likely to become open "overt" aggression, and suddenly the reservoir of anger under the surface layer of gooey "niceness" is apparent.
In many ways, recovery for the codependent dry drunk is a tougher hill to climb than recovery for the alcoholic. The alcoholic becomes sober when they stop drinking (although they are still an alcoholic) but the codependent dry drunk can't make a bold decision and mark that day on the calendar as the day their life changed.
As an adult they have intense pride in comparing themselves to other people. This is toxic pride, alcoholic pride, "Seven Deadly Sins" pride. The dry drunk is very likely to have paired off with a real drunk, and these relationships usually have intense conflict. Both parties have toxic levels of pride, and their pride collides violently as they try to prove who's "better." They will try to manipulate each other relentlessly into playing the role of the bad guy so they can be virtuous. (See my previous diary on projection.)
A dry drunk can suffer terribly in a power struggle. All sorts of negative emotions emerge, like terrible rage and depression. But unlike a sociopath who does not feel guilt, a dry drunk already has lots and lots of guilt, shame, and anxiety. They desperately cling to their partner and blame them for their troubled state.
Denial of all their negative emotions (especially uncontrolled anger) creates chaotic reasoning and thoughts. Years after Bill W. founded Alcoholics Anonymous, his wife founded Al-Anon for the family members of drunks. She did this after throwing a shoe at Bill W. and being shocked and mystified at her own uncontrollable anger.
The codependent person is often attracted to addicts, because of they need flawed people around them to make them feel superior and to justify their anger. There is also the urge to recreate their family and, finally, as an adult, really run the show this time. These relationships also feature the strong attraction and conflict that occurs when two people are really are much alike, and, while they are both oblivious to this fact, they can recognize and hate their own flaws in the other person. Their relationship is like trying to put out a gasoline fire with more gasoline.
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